Post 4 Why don’t you all just stop!

5 year old David

I remember my first night in Marine Corps boot camp.  The drill instructors had kept us up after getting our gear, head shaved and assigned to a barracks.  I was 17 and had just graduated high school three days before.  They screamed the entire time and the chaos was almost non-stop.  We got to bed some where around 1:30-2:00am.  We were exhausted.  4:30 the next morning they came in banging pipes on our racks and screaming.  When I first woke up I didn’t fully realize where I was.  I thought I was still at home in my bed.  I thought I still had all of my long blonde hair, I thought everything was normal.  I pulled the blanket up and closed my eyes.  Then the screaming hit me, I was not at home, I was in Marine hell.

I had a very restless first night.  Just before 5:00am I woke up.  For a moment it was just another early morning, like my boot camp experience, then I heard the sounds of soft sobbing.  In an instant all the pain of a few hours ago came screaming back to me.  I felt the pain in every part of my body. I immediately started crying.  Trish was sitting on the side of the bed softly crying.  I don’t know how long she had been there.  I got up and sat next to her.  We just sat there and cried.  It’s hard to describe but David had been gone before, to scout camp, EFY, college and other places.  However, the reality that he was in the spirit world.  He was gone and there was not a thing I could do about it.  It was a helpless feeling.  I kept thinking I have a son in the spirit world, how is that possible.

We got up got showered and got dressed to start the day.  Truth is we didn’t know what the day would hold.  We looked forward to the rest of our family coming into town.

Trish said that there would be a lot of family and friends coming and she wanted to make sure we had enough food and drinks for them.  She asked me if I would go to SAMS and get a few things.  What I wanted to do was let someone else go, I didn’t want to do or go anywhere.  I wanted to just sit on the back porch and do nothing, which I did a lot of.  I know there were times I seemed inconsolable to some.  I just sat on the porch and thought.  I thought about David, what was he doing, what was he feeling, did he understand everything that has and was happing to him? How could I help him as a father now?

I agreed to go to SAMS; I knew it would mean a lot to her if I did.  I got in my truck and started down the road.  As I came to THE intersection I literally prayed for a green light so I wouldn’t have to stop.  The light went red.  As I sat there watching the other cars and seeing the fresh black paint from the road crew I kept thinking how non of these people knew how much pain I was in.  They had no idea that our son had just died in that intersection.  Could they not see that I had lost my son, could they not just slow down or show some kind of sign that they knew my pain.  As I got to SAMS I parked.  I could hardly get myself out of my truck.  As I stepped out I leaned on the bed of my truck and rested my face on the side of the truck.  I couldn’t move.  I didn’t want to take another step.  I hurt so bad I didn’t think I go in and buy the things Trish had asked me to.  I knew I had to either get back in the truck or get inside.  I started walking to the door.  I got a basket and showed my card to the sweetest elderly man.  He had a huge smile on his face and said Good Morning Young Man, I am glad to see you.  I mustered a weak smile.  I wanted to scream at him, can’t you see how much I hurt, and don’t you know we have lost our baby boy, why can’t you see it, why can’t you just say something?  As I went through the isles getting the items, I had the same thoughts go through my mind as I passed anyone in the store, why can’t you see, why don’t you all just stop?

Truth is my friend Mike Gardner was right.  When I had talked to him the first morning, he said the world was cruel, it just keeps turning and it doesn’t stop it just keeps spinning.  He was right.  I vowed standing in that SAMS from that moment on, I would look at people differently.  I would look for someone who might be a little down or if I were prompted to say something I would do it.  I wouldn’t hesitate.  I learned that you simply never know what someone else is going through and we cannot and should not judge.  I was going to let this moment change me for the better forever.

After I arrived home I picked up the flyer the lady from the Coroners office had given us.  I read it from front to back.  She said I would need to call the Detective in charge of our case.  His name was Detective Salisbury.  I sat on the bed and called him.  When he answered I told him who I was.  He knew right away, and began to tell me how sorry he was for our loss.  He was so nice and very kind to me.  He said he was surprised that I had contacted him already that most people called 2-3 weeks after the incident.  I explained that the lady from the Coroners office had told me I needed to call and I thought it had to be done, so I called.  He rehearsed the details of the night.  He said that from his investigation thus far this was just a horrible tragedy.  David was not speeding, he was wearing his helmet and from what he could see did nothing wrong.  The women at the light simply did not see him, she thought his head light was part of the car that was some 200 yards behind David.  She had stayed at the scene the entire time.  Her husband came down and together they watched and waited.  He said she was not impaired in any way.  It was just a horrible accident.  I told him it was our families desire to get a message to the lady.  I told him that we did not have any feelings of malice towards her and that we wanted to get a message to her.  I asked if he would tell her how we felt and if it was ok we would like to contact her.  He seemed genuinely appreciative of what I said.  I told him that we didn’t want any charges or legal action against her.  He agreed to get in contact with her and relay the message.  He said once he was in contact with her he would text me and let me know that message was sent.

As the day went on I did not hear from him.  I decided to send her an email.   I only had the Detectives email address so I would send it to him and ask him to forward it to her.

I sent this brief email:

“Dear Detective Salisbury:  I was just wondering if you had the opportunity to reach out to the Lady who was in the accident with David. 

It would mean so much to us if you could let her know that we are so sorry for her and this tragedy. We are not angry and that no one in our family has any malice toward her at all. 

After the Coroner left early this morning, I woke our 16-year-old daughter to tell her what happened. After a few minutes of shock, she looked at me and asked about the Lady in the jeep. She said Dad we need to reach out to her and let her know it’s all going to be all right. She is going to be so sad. 

It’s with our sincerest heart we extend our love and friendship to her and her family.  

Please let her know. “

A little later in the day I received this message from the women.

Dear Mr. Maples

I am very sorry for your family, I have prayed for David since this tragedy happened.

This has been very devastating for me and my family and will change my life forever. If I could, I would take his place in a second. 

I can only try to envision your grief, and appreciated your strength to reach out to me with your heartfelt letter. 

Your letter has brought me some comfort now, and will in the future, even though I will have to live with this for the rest of my life.

I will continue to pray for your family and especially David.

Thank you Sincerely

I sat and pondered this poor ladies pain.  I was so swallowed up in my grief I had not been thinking of hers.  I would have family around me, I would have friends who would comfort and support me.  She would spend the next several days with her family only grieving in a different way.  I knelt by the bed and prayed for her.  It was a funny thing.  I truly wanted her to have peace; I wanted her to know that we knew where David was and though it hurt and we would miss him, we would see him again. We knew these things and I wanted her to have that same reassurance.

Trish and I decided that David would be buried at Palm North Mortuary.  It is less then 10 minutes from our home and was green and very beautiful.  We called the mortuary and began to make arrangements.  We explained that we had not seen David and it was important to my wife that she see him.  They set up a meeting for Saturday at 2:00pm.  She said we could make all the arrangements and we could see David on that visit.  That gave us something to look forward to, something to push towards, seeing our son would be a good thing.  Over time as I have had a chance to reflect, the only thing for me that didn’t seem to be fair, is that we didn’t get to say goodbye to our son.  People who have long-term medical issues have a lot of time to say good-bye, aging parents have time, I had a friend that was able to lay in bed with his dying father and hug him as he left this life.  However, we didn’t even get to say goodbye.  Of all the things that have happened that was the one that lingered the longest with me.  I just wish I could have held him one more time, even if the end was the same, I would like to have hugged him and kissed his cheeks.  David’s death was such a shock a total surprise to us, it never ever dawned us that anything would happen to him or to any of our children.  I think that has been the hardest part.

Friday was spent greeting family coming in from all over the country.  We had literally dozens stop by, drop off food, flowers, cards.  It meant so much to us.  We found ourselves reflecting on David and his life.  We told stories, laughed and more often cried.  My phone and email simply blew up with the sweetest messages.  Some of them I read over and over.  I am very well versed in our belief of life after death.  I have studied and learned much over my lifetime.  However, I wanted no I needed to know more.  I wanted to know where he was, what was David doing, who was he talking to?  I needed to know.

I drove to the Church bookstore not far from our home.  I bought a stack of books about death, the afterlife, and near death experiences.  I started reading and just keep reading and reading.  The funny thing is, I already knew everything I was reading, and I believed it all.  It wasn’t enough I needed more, I needed more understanding, I had to know what he was doing, what was he seeing, who was he with?  I have sense learned that the understanding I was seeking could not be found in a book or in any kind of research.  It can only be taught when the Holy Ghost teaches us spirit to spirit.

In one of the books I was reading “The Gateway We Call Death” by President Russell M. Nelson, he said this;

“Regardless of cause, when such vigorous and vibrant young men or women have been taken by trauma unforeseen and swift, the grief produced among survivors is sudden and unrelenting…..Perhaps these are the most difficult of all burdens borne, because death comes so unexpectedly.  No challenge in life may be as intense as this.”

Some how knowing this gave me relief.  No challenge in life may be as intense as this.…This is exactly what I was experiencing and it wasn’t going to stop at least not right away.