Post #7 The Peace That Passeth Understanding

Clive and Renae Knapp are dear friends that attend our Ward (Church congregation).  They have 5 boys who are all grown some with their own families.  About three years ago their son Danny who was an FBI agent was in Puerto Rico.  He was on the beach enjoying the day when he saw a young man out in the ocean drowning.  Danny swam out to the young man and in the process of saving the young boy, drowned and lost his own life.  Can you imagine getting that news?  I remember the first time I heard this story.  My heart hurt for our friends but I had no idea, nor could I even imagine what they were going through.  Truth is I saw them often but never really knew what to say.  Truth is I couldn’t even wrap my mind around what they were going through.

Three years had passed and then just 2-3 weeks before David died they had another Son Barry whose apartment caught fire in the night and he was burned alive.  When I heard this I could not believe that this could happen to the same family, these poor people.  They are the strongest and most wonderful examples you would ever want to meet.  I mean it when I say these are people highly favored of the Lord because of their faith and just down right gutting it out perseverance.

That Sunday morning sitting on my porch the thought had come to me, go and see Clive and Renae.  I got in my truck and drove to their house.  I knocked on the door.  Renae was on the phone when she answered the door.  She opened it looked at me and said, “Oh it’s you”.  She said it in a way that I was the last person she expected to see on her doorstep.  She invited me and we sat down.  Clive was out and would return shortly.  I told her I didn’t know where else to go and that I felt to just come to her house.  She was so kind, however, cut right to what I was feeling.  She said something to the effect, this stinks, it just stinks and there is nothing good about it.  She knew better then many exactly what I was feeling.  I don’t remember a lot of what was said; I just know those two saved me that morning.  They were standing, moving and were surviving.  I gathered a lot of strength from just being with them.  You see there is no manual on how you’re supposed to feel, act, and conduct yourself.  You simply just don’t know what to do.  For me just being in the same room with them gave me since of what I could do.  They had lost two sons both in very tough ways.  If my friends could do it, I would to. I just remember leaving with the thought in my mind that I can do this.  Like me Clive had served in the Marine Corps and we shared a bond and had a lot fun about our club.  I saw him on Sunday and he said, “I liked it a lot better when we were in our old club and not the lost a son club”.  He was right, it is a club no one wants to be a part of.  Let me just say that these are really great people.  I know the Lord never gives more then we can handle which confirms to me just how wonderful these two are.  I love them.

The viewing that day would be from 4:00pm – 8:00pm.  The first two hours 4:00-6:00 would be for the family only, the 6:00 – 8:00 would be open to all.  I had already made it very clear I did not want to go to the viewing at all.  I would go for a few minutes at 4:00 and then I was leaving.  I didn’t care that there would be people coming from all over, I wanted to spend as little time there as possible.  The rest of the family could stay as long as they wanted; however, I was out of there.

Our Church starts at 1:30 in the afternoon and some time around 2:30 we got a knock at the door.  It was our sweet Bishop.  He had been at Church sitting on the stand in the chapel and felt prompted to leave Church and come to our house.  He wanted to offer us a blessing before the viewing.  Of course I invited him in and told him we would love to have a blessing from him.  For those who are not members of our faith, a priesthood holder would stand behind you while you were seated in a chair, he would place his hands on your head and then pronounce a blessing.  If there were other priesthood holders present they could stand in the circle.  I am not sure of the exact order but he blessed Trish, Hayley, Miranda and myself.  I remember when it was my turn and I sat in the chair.  I don’t recall all he said, however, what I do recall was this.  He said that if I would go to the viewing, David would be there and I would have an experience that would change my heart.  After he left, I had a couple of emotions.  One thought was it would all have to be quick, because I wasn’t going to be there long. Second, thought was I trust the Bishop and I wanted to do the right thing so I would go and trust him.

We had a lot of people to get ready and coordinate to go the viewing so we were running late and that was just fine with me.  Usually I am hollering for everyone to hurry up we are going to be late, this time I just kept my mouth shut and let them take as long as they wanted.  About 4:45 the funeral home called to see if there was something wrong, it wasn’t normal for families to be late.  I told them we would be there shortly.

We arrived at the funeral home and this was a lot tougher then the day before when we had arrived.  What was I going to see in that casket?  Would he look ok? Would Trish get to kiss and love on her boy?  Several times I thought I was going to be sick right there in the lobby.  We gathered in front of the closed chapel doors.  They invited Trish and I to go in first and to be alone with David.  We held on to each other so tight as we walked in.  We took a step in and the chapel doors closed behind us. We could see the casket at the front of the chapel and we could see David.  I was not prepared for this.  I was not in any way prepared for this.  That was my boy, oh my goodness there was my boy.  We started walking toward him.  Trish literally held me up; she at one point looked at me and said, are you going to be all right?  I was holding on to her for dear life.  What was he going to look like?  How would Trish react to how he looked?  I wish I had a good enough command of the English language to be able to describe what I felt, and what I saw as we walked up to his casket.  In a flash I saw David as a baby, toddler, child, and young man, I saw all of his past faces.  We stood for a second and Trish walked up and stroked his hair.  She said, oh he looks so good.  Those simple words breathed peace and life into me.  He did look good.  I had given them his Missionary suite, white shirt tie and his dress shoes.  He looked so handsome.  In hindsight watching my wife love on her boy was truly a sacred experience.  Trish has a pure heart and this moment was pure love from a Mother to her son.  For most of us who have been to a viewing we know that our loved ones never look exactly the same.  I guess to expect that would be unrealistic.  I touched his sweet cheek.  It was cold, really cold.  I flinched my hand back in a kind of that’s not supposed to feel like that motion.  I touched his hair and put my hand over his hands.  Man I loved this boy.  Every emotion and feeling I had ever had for that boy was right there going through me.  I ached for that boy to move, to be ok, to be alive.  I loved this boy as much as any father has ever loved a son.  Trish and I stood there just looking and loving on him.  Trish asked if we should let the kids come in.  I was so ready for that.  I wanted to be done.  Trish signaled the kids to come in.  I found a lone chair off to the side and headed for it.  The room was spinning and I couldn’t get to the chair fast enough.  I felt like someone was stepping on my chest, I couldn’t breath.  I sat down and put my head between my knees, I could not breath and really thought I was going to pass out.  The kids started walking up the isle and they saw what we saw.  Their immediate cries and sobs were killing me. I watched them for a minute as they each approached David’s casket and saw their Brother. How could I provide any comfort to them in the shape I was in? The feelings of helplessness were overwhelming.

Then something happened.  As I was in what I will describe as my darkest moment and my most excruciating pain it happened.  It was as if someone had unplugged a drain.   I felt all of my pain, despair, worry, sorrow all of it was leaving like a drain had been unplugged in my body.  Clarity came first in my head, my mind, down my entire body.  It was replaced with a peace, a kindness, a love, a peace that passeth all understanding.

I felt relief wash all over me, I could breathe. I took a deep breath and for the first time I felt that crushing feeling lifted from my chest and I stood up, I took a deep cleansing breath. I started to feel light and I began to feel joy. How was this possible? I felt my burdens literally being lifted and I felt happy and filled with joy. The spirit whispered to me of course I was forgiven and that I was loved. It was a blessing from the Lord so profound and so impactful I will never forget that feeling. Because, I know that there was no way possible for me in my then current condition to take myself from where I was, the deepest and darkest sadness, grief, guilt and despair to a feeling of joy, happiness and a smile I could not get off my face. I was not capable of doing that myself. It was a miracle. It was the Lord changing my heart. It was for me a sacred moment, in that I was being saved, literally. I am so grateful for the Lord and his love and mercy. I have since learned that in that room was not only David but also others of our deceased family who were there to uplift us and to buoy us up. Angels unseen maybe, however, they were there nonetheless. For the next 3 hours Trish and greeted hundreds of family and friends. We embraced, comforted and loved on those who had come to pay their respects. Some would comment that they saw us comforting more people then those who were comforting us. I don’t know if that is true, what I do know is I was filled with joy and felt to comfort and uplift all those who needed it. I was a changed man, it was a miracle and only the Lord could have made such a difference in me.  I not only stayed until 8:00pm, but the funeral home worker had to come in and actually tell us to leave.

The time came for the funeral workers to close the casket. This would be the final time it would be closed. I informed the family and each of us had an opportunity to go up and see David one last time. After we had all had the chance the worker stood by the lid of the casket and slowly started to close the lid. I knew it would be the last time in this life I would see my sons mortal body. I wanted so bad to yell and tell him to stop, go slower, something just don’t let it end. However, I knew this had to be done and we had to let this happen. As it closed the shadow from the lid slowly ran over David’s face and then it got darker and darker until his face disappeared. My wife and children cried and I just stood there. We hugged and slowly left the chapel. At the end of the viewing there was a good spirit and a good feeling, but the closing of that casket brought the finality of what was happening to all of us.

We all went home and continued the party at our house.  Friends a family stayed and we talked until late that night.

What a miracle.  I was changed and I was so grateful.  Here is what I know.  There was no way and I mean no way I could have pulled myself from that current state which I have described to you in all of my posts.  I could not have taken myself from that place to the place of peace and of complete joy.  It was a true miracle that I will never forget and I will tell that story as a reminder and testimony to others that we are not alone, that we are loved and that there is no burden to big that Jesus Christ cannot take from us.  No one on this earth can tell me any different, I had experienced a change that literally saved me in every way a Father can be saved.  That is what I know for sure.

Tomorrow would be the funeral and that night I would get my best sleep yet